Reality Check: I've Taken Care of Everyone But Myself

Things that seem simple for others, isn't so simple for me.

I haven't been able to pin point exactly why or how I haven't been able to properly care for myself and things that need to be done.

Burnout floats around my mind. I wanted the actual definition. Not the internet, pop culture definition, of burnout.

There is so much research on job burnout, but not nearly enough on life burning you out. Caregiving burnout. Existence burnout.

This isn't to be confused with depression. Please consult my list of mental health supports if you are struggling with clinical issues, 

Everyone says: Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. 

My first thought is, "Duh".  But, no one is telling you HOW.

This journey is helping me focus on how a person can do this after being burned out beyond belief, and for someone who doesn't have a partner, or family to support them. Idealistically, having a support system is vital, but I don't have that. Rather than lamenting that any longer, I am going to just focus on self-compassion and agency to make changes. 

Feels quite drastic mentally as I am planning how I will go about this, but I have to do something. I can not emerge from another month without making some progress internally, mentally, and physically towards my goals of being well.

As I am focusing on how to make June a great month for deep self-care, I realize just how much I haven't been taking care of myself. I am not beating myself up, just accepting it.

Onwards and upwards. 

You aren't alone.

Here's What I Could Never Admit: 65 Pounds Gained of Sadness

As a silent caregiver, I've often talked about how no one sees me, recognizes my pain, cares.

What I have come to realize is that I haven't been seeing myself. Recognizing my own pain. 

How can I focus on weight loss or wellness when I am not even really looking at my situation? I am not beating myself up, I"m just taking notice. 

I had to stop - journal- cry a bit and realize: This weight is really sadness, loneliness, and isolation.

This hurts more than realizing just how out of shape and how much weight I've gained. I sat still (something I'm working on doing more of) and just felt it all. Goodness, that hurt.

Here's What I Know:

1. 65 pounds gained in 4 years is no small feat to accomplish
2. Losing it will be beyond tough unless I make a holistic plan
3. Caregiving is horrendously difficult and yet there's nowhere you can go to say that
4. Sleep is as important as protein
5. Exercise is medicine for my mental health
6. If I don't start today now it will be another 4 years and another 65 pounds

Hard realities, but realities nonetheless.

Everyone wants to talk about weight loss (plant based or otherwise), but I want to talk about the mindset behind why some of us need to even lose weight or become healthy.

These things are hard to deal with. To face. If I look at them squarely on, I have to admit how alone I am, and how that came to be. There are layers upon layers of this stuff here and it hurts to look at.

I thought I could bypass it all and just make a nice weight loss plan and keep going with it. Guess what? That worked for all of 4 weeks and BAM.

Reality hit. Hospital appointments. Home caregiving. School from home. No sleep. 

Then came homemade brownies, lack of water, skipping supplements, late night tv binging shows I don't even like and more weight gain.

I'm sick of this cycle. This is new and specific to this perimenopause, caregiving, lonely phase of my life, but I can do something about it.

Enter June: One month experiment. I feel like I can really try this because while there isn't a break in medical appointments, there is a break in other responsibilities for just this month. 

I feel like I need a running start. Have you ever felt that way? Like if you just could get started things could cruise along? I 

Instead of looking out and seeing how no one calls or seems to care, I am taking all the locus of control and realizing what I need to do for myself. How I can be my own best friend through this and how I can extend self-compassion to myself AND cheer myself on.

I'll be posting all the truth of this process here in hopes that it helps even one person. It has taken me so long, so much effort to get to this starting place.

Literally it took me years. I realize now more than ever if someone is dealing with actual burnout- clinical levels of burnout- the start has to be sooooooo slowly. 

Please come back and read the journey and hopefully participate in or start one for yourself. This is a low key site so no worries, but I'm hoping someone can get started long before how long it took me to do it.

Rooting you on. 

It Took Me 2 Years To Actually Start This Journey

Well, I am humbled yet again. :(

Caregiving is so hard. Mid-life hormone changes are so hard. Being alone with it all is even harder.

I thought that I could just make a "plan" and somehow magically the energy, mental capacity, and self-confidence would just show up.

Spoiler alert: it didn't.

Starting. Stopping. Starting. Crying. Anger. Grief. You name it. They swirled around me constantly.

I lost 25 pounds and gained it back. 

I wasn't yo-yo dieting. I was not sleeping, under hydrating, stressed to capacity and battling perfectionism.

I didn't post here on my OWN BLOG because I was embarrassed that I couldn't keep it together.

Yesterday I realized that the very reason I created this space is so that I could share the truth of what this kind of life is like- all my struggles, fears, goals... but instead I hid. I just sat around between all of my responsibilities, lonely feelings, and ruminated. 

I'm back.

I've made a true commitment to myself to show up if for nothing other than letting even one person know they aren't alone, and to have a diary of getting my life back together.

I deleted all of my other posts and I do regret that. This time I won't aim to make it seem like I am "all together". I am not. 

This is hard. Harder than I thought it'd be, and I am ready.

Ready for June to be the month I stop hiding from myself and put myself back on my to-do list. Even a tiny bit counts. 

I'm acknowledging what this season of my life means, and accepting just how much work it will take to get back on track.

Maybe I'll post 5 times a day to clear my head. Worrying about appearing like I had it figured out ( a product of perfectionism) is why I deleted the post and hid, but no more.

If you are struggling, you are NOT alone. 

Come here and find solidarity. 

We can do this.