Caregiving is so hard. Mid-life hormone changes are so hard. Being alone with it all is even harder.
I thought that I could just make a "plan" and somehow magically the energy, mental capacity, and self-confidence would just show up.
Spoiler alert: it didn't.
Starting. Stopping. Starting. Crying. Anger. Grief. You name it. They swirled around me constantly.
I lost 25 pounds and gained it back.
I wasn't yo-yo dieting. I was not sleeping, under hydrating, stressed to capacity and battling perfectionism.
I didn't post here on my OWN BLOG because I was embarrassed that I couldn't keep it together.
Yesterday I realized that the very reason I created this space is so that I could share the truth of what this kind of life is like- all my struggles, fears, goals... but instead I hid. I just sat around between all of my responsibilities, lonely feelings, and ruminated.
I'm back.
I've made a true commitment to myself to show up if for nothing other than letting even one person know they aren't alone, and to have a diary of getting my life back together.
I deleted all of my other posts and I do regret that. This time I won't aim to make it seem like I am "all together". I am not.
This is hard. Harder than I thought it'd be, and I am ready.
Ready for June to be the month I stop hiding from myself and put myself back on my to-do list. Even a tiny bit counts.
I'm acknowledging what this season of my life means, and accepting just how much work it will take to get back on track.
Maybe I'll post 5 times a day to clear my head. Worrying about appearing like I had it figured out ( a product of perfectionism) is why I deleted the post and hid, but no more.
If you are struggling, you are NOT alone.
Come here and find solidarity.
We can do this.
