Habits Learned While Caregiving Halted Progress (Habit Work)

Sure I'm in perimenopause and my body is becoming a bit of a stranger, but it's the habits that are holding me back.

I had one bad day and that snowballed into a bad week and a half. Only for about 3 days did I go "off the rails" a bit. It's only because life gets so hard I think to myself, "What difference does this make?"

I'm usually sooooo exhausted come the end of the day, and this week my blow up bed broke, so until I secure a couch or another blow up bed, I have been sleeping on the floor with a mat. This isn't being said for pity, it's just the truth of my life's circumstance.

Sometimes I just stare at the wall like, "Is this really my life right now?"

In other news, I skipped exercise, intentional movement for about 2 weeks except a few slow walks here and there and a few squats.

The simple plan that I made could still have been done if I broke it up into a 3rd and that's where mentally working on wellness comes in. If I don't have a mental plan that is solid, none of the rest makes any sense to me.

As an isolate caregiver, most of the time it's just saying, "You really deserve to be healthy", and believing it. Truly believing it. 

We are going to take a few days away, and caregiver traveling is anxiety inducing on the best of days, but I am hoping and praying that I can center my brain enough (while sleeping in an actual bed) to focus on a simplifying plan for my life and house.

When I feel anxiety grip me the most is when I have so much going on: too many dishes around, loads of clothes to fold, mail unopened. It's all just too much sometimes 

Still tracking for the most part- even on 3800 calorie days.

Still doing at home workouts- even when it's for 5 minutes

Note to self: It's okay. You're doing your best. This is hard, and it hurts. It will get better

I Actually CAN'T Do Everything

Yep. Burnout sucks, but true burnout means my ability to multi-task is severed. Forcing myself to push through only leads to eating snacks at night and feeling sorry for myself.

Every time I think I have a "simple" plan figured out, I realize I need to simplify it even more. I"m talking a turtle's pace. 

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The hardest part of it all recently has been admitting just how difficult the most basic and simple tasks seem to be. Let me name them:

1. Checking the mail everyday
2. Organizing/ tidying my space
3. Doing more than ONE basic or major tasks per day
4. Returning phone calls
5. Making important phone calls
6. Scheduling necessary appointments

The list goes on, but you get the point.

How is it that I am really figuring out that weight loss comes much later in this process. I have to calm down my mind and body. Restore faith in basic mindful living, and realize that no one else is coming to save or help with it.

This isn't to be pessimistic. Quite the opposite.

Acceptance is the breeding ground for better days ahead. 

Caregiving is mandatory. Perfectly doing it is not.

Exercise and eating well is mandatory for a healthy body and mind. Perfectly doing it is not.

I've realized I have to slow well down. Like WELL down. If I am going to be effective at any list of tasks, I have to stop planning 10 things in a day's time and plan one.

It feels like I am not getting anything done, but one per day is better than none per week because I've burned myself out much more quickly than the average person. 

So, it's Saturday morning. I have slept about 7 hours after only sleep 5 for the past two nights. 

I've made a bowl of oatmeal + flax + cauliflower + strawberries & a protein shake.

I've journaled, meditated, said a prayer, and did a few pages of reading on psychology.

My plan is to walk on my treadmill and I won't plan anything else until I can successfully do that. 

Things I need to accept:

1. It's hard for me to do more than one thing at a time
2. I need a lot of time in the morning to enter the day
3. I need better sleeping hygiene habits (goal for next week)
4. This is hard and it sucks and I feel alone- but I can and will survive it
5. No one is coming to save me
6. I get to choose how I go through the rest of the month, it doesn't have to just happen to me.
7. Something will always be better than nothing
8. Perfect is the enemy of done

Alright... if you're stuck... exhausted... burned out.... feeling lost... I FEEL you.

No one is coming to save your situation (maybe they are, but I"m talking to those in a similar position to me). 

So, just for today...

• drink a cup of water right now, 
• do 5 minutes of movement (set a timer), 
• clean one area or start a load of laundry, 
• take a deep breath.

We can do this. One hour a time today. 

June Challenge: Starting Slowly- My Plan (Diet and Exercise Plan)

I'd love to do 30 days of a plan, but I'm sick of failing so I am keeping it simple.

This June I have a small window of reprieve from daily caregiving tasks and graduate school work, and my house is a mess, my papers are all out of order, and I'm an all around out-of-sync mess.

The reason I am typing this out here (when writing in my $2 notebook is easier for me), is because I hope it inspires someone else to slowly add even one thing to help them manage their health and wellbeing while caregiving or stressed. 

This one month (or really 21 days) is meant to be a kickstart for me. Just a jumping off point to get started. 

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Simply by starting, I am 1/2 way there. I've spent the last few years trying to go back and live as my previous self. Just get going. Do what I used to do, the way I used to do it. Well, that doesn't work.

My central nervous system is FRIED and I can't maintain any of it. It lasts for 2 weeks then I burn out and can't do anything.

This time around I am going to start sooooooo slowly that I simply can't fail.

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Diet:

Long term vegan. In today's time it seems like leaving veganism is the answer for weight loss and as an ethical vegan, I won't lie and say that other people haven't made it seem like lean chicken breast is the answer to my soft, hormonally changing body. I will be eating a plant-based vegan diet for this challenge, but it's time I get rid of all the processed foods I continue to eat. 

Late night snacking and tv watching have become a comfort in a way that I didn't know would build a horrible set of habits.

I'm not a fan of doing cleanses, or anything when you are NOT already healthy as a means of weight loss, but I do need to limit what foods I will eat for this reset so that my tastebuds can stop being excited by every single treat I come across.

I've eaten entirely too much sugar, processed food, vegan cheese, desserts, etc. So this challenge is a way to return to whole plant foods and water.

I've been grocery shopping and spending $100s of dollars and stocking my fridge like the plague is coming and I won't be able to leave the house. It's beyond ridiculous. 

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Food and Meal Plan:

1. Beans. I need to eat them more. At my healthiest, they were 1/2 of my diet! 
2. Potatoes. Satiating. Satisfying. Cheap and delicious. Need I say more. 
3. Veggies. All kinds. I have a local farm pickup and will eat seasonal veggies mainly in the form of soups or air fryed.
4. Fava bean tofu. Expensive and I have to share the blocks with my daughter so about 1/2 a block (32 g protein)- 3 times per week.
5. Soy Tofu. I think I may hold soy this challenge. So many people chant the praises of soy (for good reason), but there is truth that soy does affect some people and I have been dealing with bloating and stomach issues more when I eat it. Maybe I could eat less at a time and see, but I will test it out and finish up my tempeh and tofu and then not buy more for this challenge. It's also very high and fat and I will be watching some fat as I go through.
6. Protein powder. I am on a mission to use up things I have in my house without running to buy anymore. I have some chocolate, vanilla, another flavor I don't really enjoy, but will make shakes once per day.

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Counting Calories

1. Not a fan, but will try it. I have been eating way too much, so it feels like a data collection method I can use to start getting on track. I used a TDEE calculator and because I will be cutting my strenuous cardio out for this challenge (leaving maybe one day or two days per week maximum).
2. I have the paid version of the Cronometer app, but when it expires I may try a simpler app like Lose It. I am not using all of the information on the Cronometer app honestly and it isn't aesthetically pleasing. Maybe I'll change my mind.

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Exercise

1. Home based workouts. My fantasy of returning to the gym like I used to has died for now. Just the thought of finding workout clothes that fit and I am comfortable in to go to the gym feels like a step too far for me right now. Rather than beating myself up about this, I'm embracing that I have a small home gym to use. 
2. I'm not listening to anyone who tells me, "People in the gym are focused on themselves and won't look at you or care". Well, I still won't go. I'm too self-conscious and that's enough of a reason. Period. 
3. Kettlebells, Flat facing dumbbells, Mat, Bands, Leg bands, Treadmill, Stationary bike, 18" step. 
   
4. Fitness streaming services. I have three, but won't really use them for this challenge. It can seem simple to just log in and press play, but in all honesty they push me wayyyy too hard. I can do most of them modified (with 60+ extra pounds on my body), but they always leave me so hungry. It feels defeating. Seems counterintuitive, but I am going to focus on strength training, walking slowly on the treadmill (2.5 mph), and biking LISS (low intensity steady state) for this 21 day challenge.

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Deep Rest, Relaxation, Emotional Self-Care

I don't know how to relax anymore. I don't know what it means to truly rest anymore. I have had to accept this. My brain is overstimulated and in a panic state due to caregiving most of the time. I am working on it, but for now I will just use guided meditations to bring rest and calm to my system.

I'm repeating, "I am safe" and taking 3 deep breaths all throughout the day as well.

As tempting as it is to add "4 bubble baths a week" to this self-care section, I will surely fail at that when life hits me or I run out of steam for the day at 4:15 pm and can barely make dinner and shower. Instead, I am building "Do Nothing" time blocks into the day.

1. Do Nothing for 5-20.
1. Stare out the window
2. Read a book
3. Doodle on paper or my iPad
4. Listen to a meditation or nature sounds
5. Writing

In Conclusion

This challenge (unlike challenges I did when I was fit and within a healthy body fat range) is meant to be a mental and physical kickstart. I've lost confidence in myself and I'd like it back.

I am eager to prove to myself that I have what it takes to succeed at this and to take care of myself the way I've taken care of everyone else.

Pushing myself isn't the way to go anymore. For at least this phase of my life, I need to be gentle and kind. This challenge would have been great as a video series, but my caregiving is a secret due to family members not sharing their condition with others and this isolation has been extremely hard to deal with- hence this blog.

I'm hurting and it's soooo difficult, I thought that creating this space could possibly be helpful to someone else. I don't need another "thing" to do, but if even one person finds motivation here, it's worth all the time and effort.

I will make a post each day talking about each one of the areas I wrote about above and if you don't know where to start, just follow along here. Anything is better than nothing.

We can do this. One deep breath at a time. 

Reality Check: I've Taken Care of Everyone But Myself

Things that seem simple for others, isn't so simple for me.

I haven't been able to pin point exactly why or how I haven't been able to properly care for myself and things that need to be done.

Burnout floats around my mind. I wanted the actual definition. Not the internet, pop culture definition, of burnout.

There is so much research on job burnout, but not nearly enough on life burning you out. Caregiving burnout. Existence burnout.

This isn't to be confused with depression. Please consult my list of mental health supports if you are struggling with clinical issues, 

Everyone says: Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. 

My first thought is, "Duh".  But, no one is telling you HOW.

This journey is helping me focus on how a person can do this after being burned out beyond belief, and for someone who doesn't have a partner, or family to support them. Idealistically, having a support system is vital, but I don't have that. Rather than lamenting that any longer, I am going to just focus on self-compassion and agency to make changes. 

Feels quite drastic mentally as I am planning how I will go about this, but I have to do something. I can not emerge from another month without making some progress internally, mentally, and physically towards my goals of being well.

As I am focusing on how to make June a great month for deep self-care, I realize just how much I haven't been taking care of myself. I am not beating myself up, just accepting it.

Onwards and upwards. 

You aren't alone.