Habits Learned While Caregiving Halted Progress (Habit Work)

Sure I'm in perimenopause and my body is becoming a bit of a stranger, but it's the habits that are holding me back.

I had one bad day and that snowballed into a bad week and a half. Only for about 3 days did I go "off the rails" a bit. It's only because life gets so hard I think to myself, "What difference does this make?"

I'm usually sooooo exhausted come the end of the day, and this week my blow up bed broke, so until I secure a couch or another blow up bed, I have been sleeping on the floor with a mat. This isn't being said for pity, it's just the truth of my life's circumstance.

Sometimes I just stare at the wall like, "Is this really my life right now?"

In other news, I skipped exercise, intentional movement for about 2 weeks except a few slow walks here and there and a few squats.

The simple plan that I made could still have been done if I broke it up into a 3rd and that's where mentally working on wellness comes in. If I don't have a mental plan that is solid, none of the rest makes any sense to me.

As an isolate caregiver, most of the time it's just saying, "You really deserve to be healthy", and believing it. Truly believing it. 

We are going to take a few days away, and caregiver traveling is anxiety inducing on the best of days, but I am hoping and praying that I can center my brain enough (while sleeping in an actual bed) to focus on a simplifying plan for my life and house.

When I feel anxiety grip me the most is when I have so much going on: too many dishes around, loads of clothes to fold, mail unopened. It's all just too much sometimes 

Still tracking for the most part- even on 3800 calorie days.

Still doing at home workouts- even when it's for 5 minutes

Note to self: It's okay. You're doing your best. This is hard, and it hurts. It will get better

The Easiest 13 pounds I've Ever Lost: New Stats

I took an internet break so I couldn't write here on the blog, but let me just say.. I am 13 pounds down. Actual pounds of fat.

I love statistics so I want to start including them here for me to look back on and for the few people who read consistently here.

What's going well:

1. I've truly created a sustainable plan. It's so simple it's almost laughable.
1. Walk 30 minutes
2. Use kettlebells for 10-60 minutes (literally doing anything and taking breaks)
3. Stretch for 1 minute
4. 100+ g plant protein 
5. Drinking 80 ounces of water

What's not going so well

1. I am struggling still with a night time routine and sleeping. Not getting much more than 6 hours most night. Will work on this.
2. Anxious feeling that I need to go back to the gym and that my cramped home space isn't enough to get myself fit again.
3. Wondering if I"m eating too much soy to get my protein needs met under calorie goal. I'm a very long time vegan, but being in mid-life change things. Whomever does't say so, isn't a woman, wasn't overweight over 40+ or is lying. :)
   
   

What's coming up

1. I will continue my very simple, easy morning routine (post coming)
2. Create an evening routine (need one desperately)
3. Read more- it means I'm slowing down more. I read plenty, but I want to read even more.
4. Home workouts where I will add more of jump rope until I eventually get back to where I was -30 straight minutes. For now, I am working on 2 minutes at the end of the workout
5. Focus on getting even more vegetables. I'm averaging about 45g fiber per day now
6. Increase my bean intake :)

Stats Check in

1. Starting weight was +67.8 pounds after 4.5 years of caregiving even WITH some working out. Entered perimenopause and my body stopped responding for real. 
1. Down 13.8 pounds!!!!
2. 54 pounds to go!!!
2. Not taking body fat % now because I am keeping things very simple and I have so much weight to lose that I don't need to get in the weeds
3. Average steps per day (intentional) -walking around my house, cleaning, or walking on the treadmill slowllllyyyyy = 8600 steps
4. Sleeping average 7 hours 1 minute

This coming weekend I want to share exactly what my plan is for the rest of summer.

Here's a hint: It's simple, easy, repeatable, and very low stress. I am so proud of myself for the changing I'm making. I am always over analyzing, stressing myself out, and I'm just done with it all.

It's time that I slow down and treat myself better than this- even if I am caregiving and alone. I deserve to be well and so do you. 

Kettlebells and Beans

Eating beans and using my kettlebells feels like the most:

Simple & Easy & Low Effort Plan

Consistency. The ability to do tomorrow what I am trying to do today. THIS is what I am after.

I love beans. I haven't eaten them intentionally in years, but my lack of focus has not been good for my health. 

I am going to order beans in bulk - particularly chickpeas- and just the thought of it is exciting. 

As a long time vegan, I know soooooooo many bean recipes, and I am excited to focus on them as the months go on.

I finally feel like I am getting my feet underneath me (mentally) when it comes to this weight loss and wellness plan I am on.

I don't want to be talking about wanting  to lose weight in 3 months again. The time is going to pass so I need to be focused on what is truly important to me. 

What's really important

To feel strong. To be here for my mother and daughter for whom I care. To make myself proud. To live in as healthy a body as I can. 

I have tried to do it the other way. High effort and lots of intense cardio= burnout even more for me.

Simple: beans and my kettlebells 

When all else fails, THAT will be my plan

How about you? How can you make your plan super simple? 

I don't need to be excited by my life right now

Getting on auto-ship for anything other than coffee is a mistake.

I do enjoy protein powder, but not as much as I enjoy food. The sodium is also quite high, so now I am on a mission to eat it up. I'm not a fan of wasting things so here goes...

The past few days the scale hasn't moved, but I don't care because I am feeling better in my body, sleeping better (long way to go here), and all around feeling healthier.

I am tracking my weight daily, and my calories. These are things I wasn't doing. It's not that difficult (tedious yes), but not hard. 

What's hard is being 65 pounds overweight, not having anything to wear, staying inside on beautiful days because I am uncomfortable in my body, and breathing hard going up two flights of stairs.

I've renegotiated my definition of hard.

I'm a step-by-step Type A person, so for anyone whom this could help...

Current Daily Plan:

1. Wake up
2. Balance scale (my scale is off but I won't buy a new one so I use a weight (whose weight I know) and adjust what the scale says to have an accurate account of my weight
3. Make a hot cup of pour over coffee (light roast iykyk)
4. Get dressed in basic (sometimes unwashed 🤫 ) exercise clothes- or clothes to exercise in
5. Sit at kitchen table and write in my journal, eat coffee, plan the day, look at financial balances most days, plan some of my calories for the day (including a small treat for mental health)
6. Pre workout + creatine before exercise in my living room/ dining room / study room / bedroom

I'm really clinging to my groundhog theme for this summer. I don't need to be excited by my life right now.

If something starts to feel too exciting, I reevaluate.

This is what led me to being 65 pounds overweight. 

Silent caregiving

Hiding.

Isolation

Emotional pain.

I needed excitement and I found it in vegan processed sodium filled junk food.

Now, I have 65 pounds of toxic sludge inside my body and cells, and I remind myself that I need some self-discipline and self-respect in order to see what I've done myself, and make a safe and calm plan for changing it.

In 2026, it's almost controversial to say these things, but I will continue to say them.

It's OKAY to want to lose weight and be healthy.

It's OKAY to be in a struggle season of life, but still want to take care of yourself somehow someway.

It's OKAY if your weight loss and wellness journey doesn't look like the "4 am, matcha on the beach" images that social media shows.

Use this quiet, silent season of yourself to slowly get started.

You are not alone. 

Groundhog Day Fitness and Food Plan

Burnout means I need to make as few choices as possible lest I quit it all and eat cashews out of the bag at midnight while watching YouTube.

The problem with YouTube, exciting foods, etc. is that it all highjacks the dopamine pathway in the brain.

Food be good, but not exciting on a daily basis. 

When I was my fittest and most healthy, my vegan plate was basic. A little boring. And standard. 

I wasn't aiming to win culinary awards, and I wasn't working to impress anyone (not that I am now either, but you get my point). 

There's something to be said for knowing what to expect, keeping your grocery shopping mundane, and prepping some foundational things each week. Truly.

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Note to self: Make things as boring as possible for the foreseeable future. Got it? Thanks

Boring plans:

1. Same boring low-dopamine nighttime routine - I am still trying to have  a nighttime routine. Around  5 pm I run out of steam for everything and just want to watch tv and think of absolutely nothing.
2. Try to find boring meals and jazz them up with sauces and don't think about it. I've let food be way too "fun" and that's why I want to keep eating and eating when bored/sad/happy etc. I obviously need to stop this
3. Tracking my calories and macros. I don't care what people say about this being "bad" or "unnecessary" for  vegans or anyone. Well, to ME it IS necessary. And, it's also very boring

So long as I can create conditions that check off most of my mini goals for the day. It needs to feel like Groundhog Day.  Anything else and my brain is highjacked by dopamine and needs and wants everything to be exciting and fun. 

I've done it that way, and it doesn't work for me. 

So, here's to a boring day of eating and exercising. 

morning tears, a later workout, walking is my friend

I had a huge setback today in life.

Denied a dream job after working so hard on my application and cover letter. 

Denied my request for graduate school funding. Midlife caregiving means I need a lower tuition rate, a longer time to pay, or I have to leave.... 

Spoiler alert: I left the school. Another school is coming up, but either way the disappointment hit hard.

I cried. Sobbed. 

Caregiving keeps me in a space of grief

I wondered why I was so exhausted after the news came. I sat at my kitchen table and just cried.

I cried for all the other goals I've failed at. The years toward productive employment. 

It's no wonder a simple decision like leaving a program hurts so much.

Afternoon workout

I don't like working out after 12 noon. I'm working on being more flexible because that's a foolish thing for me to practice.

I got on my treadmill (which isn't working well- jerking me around) for a slow one hour walk while watching a documentary.

Then I turned on a YouTube video and grabbed my kettlebells- my favorite things and strength trained for about 28 minutes.

It's a wonder I ever worried about all the streaming services for fitness I paid for and still pay for. Kettlebells and walking have the lowest buy in for me. I clearly like to make things harder for myself.

I'm working on self-compassion and I haven't said that to be hard on myself. It's a reminder that I don't have to push or force myself to press play and do some high intensity workout-unless I am really feeling like on some days.

I want to test out something for the next 19 days. I will post:

• my daily stats
• sleep
• weight +/-
• resting heart rate
• mood reflection

This 19 day challenge will include

• walking for 60 minutes per day (inside) and it can be broken up
• the exact same kettlebell strength program Monday thru Friday
• Saturday is a free fitness day (maybe one of my spin classes or kickboxing)
• Sunday full yoga class and house cleaning for movement
• tracking my food intake 
• 80 ounces + water

I have to make this stupid simple or I fear I won't suceed.

I have a healthy respect for my burnout now. It took me years and years  before this respect developed. I have pushed myself until I was dripping in sweat. What was supposed to be "getting on track", but it turned into a sort of punishment.

Now, I will see how I feel thinking of sleep, a steady and easy same workout that requires NO thought, and walking.

Exhausted today. I hope tomorrow's better.

2 Short Walks and That's All She Wrote

Today felt long.

Exhausted. Emotionally and physically.

Took 2 short walks and felt good about that. 

Both indoors. Treadmill.

New theme: That's best I can do. 

A Mediocore Plan + Workout + Day

I am a goal oriented person.

Sometimes I really wish I wasn't. I just want my brain to relax, but at this stage of life - it just can't and I am done fighting with myself.

At a nice breakfast, a few snacks (unnecessary), started to cry when looking at bills, at a protein bar (aka a candy bar if you look at these ingredients) and will now do a 10 minute mediocre, "At least I showed up" workout in pajama pants.

Listen, I can't do all of this in one day. I have to accept that. This shit is hard and I'm exhausted. Period.

I don't have a lot or privacy- or any- and that just drives me insane. Today is a day that living in the living room is really really getting to me. Exhale.

Okay...

Let me plan a 10 minute workout. I can't fail this.

Workout plan:

1. Put on pajamas- done ✔️ 
2. Set a timer on 10 minutes
3. Get favorite kettlebells (one 8kg, 12kg)
4. Put on music or a YouTube video
5. Warm up for 60 seconds
6. Do literally anything. Any move. Any order.
7. Stretch for 60 seconds

I'll report back.... 

found somewhere on the internet

Well, let me say the smell of spicy black bean soup (homemade- yes I made it), didn't make a great backdrop to my training.

• no shoes
• no cares

25 minutes done. Easy. No sweat. Heart rate low, but I got it done.

Today is a hard day for me. I'm just letting it be a hard day.

I feel like I need room to breathe. Space to be myself. I'm struggling today to make sense of it all. 

10 Second Gym Commute + Simple Training

Well, I've mentioned a million (okay maybe just 3) times that with true clinical burnout I struggle to make decisions.

I love(d) exercise, and I in an effort to be consistent, I know that dreaming of a perfect workout plan- you know, the ones I used to do way back when I was fit and life made sense, is a waste of time.

A short, low buy-in, easy peasy lemon squeezey plan right in my living room/bedroom/office is the way to go.

I am ACTIVELY working to change what my plans are and the way that I approach training right now.

Shocker, but it all comes back to acceptance. 

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I dream of going back to the gym. The slow drive with music on sipping caffiene and feeling great... ahhh. Okay reality strikes and I can barely make it to the mailbox, so let me make my plan to walk 10 paces from the kitchen to the mat and go back OLD SCHOOL.

Back in the day, I used to have one jump rope, and one kettlebell and I was so fit and in shape. I felt great and my programming was innovative, fresh, and I was rarely (if ever) bored. 

I'm much heavier so jumping rope causes shin splints that burn like battery acid, so I am doing just 30 seconds at a time and resting a great deal- I have hope that I'll be back to it in a few months. Slow steady progress.

Today i'll do what I've been doing... keeping it so simple that it has to be easy.

Today's Home Gym Plan:

• Same tights (clean), tshirt, socks, tennis shoes laced up. 
• Playlist, YouTube videos of people working out in the gym (it's a mental thing).
• Water bottle + ice cubes
• Set big timer on 45 minutes (60 is a full goal)
• Timer set on 30 seconds. 
• alternate strength move with some cardio moves
• Stretch for 5 minutes after
• Maybe walk very slowly and watch Love Island or something else....maybe read?

I have to attend a webinar this morning, so my normal "get going early" plan will be shifted to early evening when I hate working out.

I'm trying to be more flexible... stop telling myself things like, "I have to do this, or I only exercise at this or that time".

I definitely have been living partly in a hell of my own making. I wanted things to be predictable because it made me feel safe. Made my central nervous system feel calm. 

I'll let you know how it goes. 

Wishing you luck as well. 

Book Club Pick: June

Can I call it a bookclub if we don't have meetings or chat in the comment section? 

Yes, Yes I can. 

I'm re-reading Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman. I read it a long time ago, and I really need a refresher in the foundational concepts of Positive Psychology. It was transformative then, and I know it will be now.

If you ever want to chat about anything in the book, just email me at QuinoaAndKettlebells@gmail.com 

So far, I'm remembering a great deal of the philosophy, but am working to create a short guide for how to practice it. THAT'S the magic.

If you're looking for something you can DO... check your local library ebook/audiobook selection and download it right to your tablet or order the book online.

I have a copy on my ereader and can just take it with me in my purse or caregiving bag when I go.

Hopefully I can get back into the habit of reading at night vs scrolling YouTube and binge watching reality tv show until my retinas burn. #goals

Wishing you well