morning tears, a later workout, walking is my friend

I had a huge setback today in life.

Denied a dream job after working so hard on my application and cover letter. 

Denied my request for graduate school funding. Midlife caregiving means I need a lower tuition rate, a longer time to pay, or I have to leave.... 

Spoiler alert: I left the school. Another school is coming up, but either way the disappointment hit hard.

I cried. Sobbed. 

Caregiving keeps me in a space of grief

I wondered why I was so exhausted after the news came. I sat at my kitchen table and just cried.

I cried for all the other goals I've failed at. The years toward productive employment. 

It's no wonder a simple decision like leaving a program hurts so much.

Afternoon workout

I don't like working out after 12 noon. I'm working on being more flexible because that's a foolish thing for me to practice.

I got on my treadmill (which isn't working well- jerking me around) for a slow one hour walk while watching a documentary.

Then I turned on a YouTube video and grabbed my kettlebells- my favorite things and strength trained for about 28 minutes.

It's a wonder I ever worried about all the streaming services for fitness I paid for and still pay for. Kettlebells and walking have the lowest buy in for me. I clearly like to make things harder for myself.

I'm working on self-compassion and I haven't said that to be hard on myself. It's a reminder that I don't have to push or force myself to press play and do some high intensity workout-unless I am really feeling like on some days.

I want to test out something for the next 19 days. I will post:

• my daily stats
• sleep
• weight +/-
• resting heart rate
• mood reflection

This 19 day challenge will include

• walking for 60 minutes per day (inside) and it can be broken up
• the exact same kettlebell strength program Monday thru Friday
• Saturday is a free fitness day (maybe one of my spin classes or kickboxing)
• Sunday full yoga class and house cleaning for movement
• tracking my food intake 
• 80 ounces + water

I have to make this stupid simple or I fear I won't suceed.

I have a healthy respect for my burnout now. It took me years and years  before this respect developed. I have pushed myself until I was dripping in sweat. What was supposed to be "getting on track", but it turned into a sort of punishment.

Now, I will see how I feel thinking of sleep, a steady and easy same workout that requires NO thought, and walking.

Exhausted today. I hope tomorrow's better.

2 Short Walks and That's All She Wrote

Today felt long.

Exhausted. Emotionally and physically.

Took 2 short walks and felt good about that. 

Both indoors. Treadmill.

New theme: That's best I can do. 

A Mediocore Plan + Workout + Day

I am a goal oriented person.

Sometimes I really wish I wasn't. I just want my brain to relax, but at this stage of life - it just can't and I am done fighting with myself.

At a nice breakfast, a few snacks (unnecessary), started to cry when looking at bills, at a protein bar (aka a candy bar if you look at these ingredients) and will now do a 10 minute mediocre, "At least I showed up" workout in pajama pants.

Listen, I can't do all of this in one day. I have to accept that. This shit is hard and I'm exhausted. Period.

I don't have a lot or privacy- or any- and that just drives me insane. Today is a day that living in the living room is really really getting to me. Exhale.

Okay...

Let me plan a 10 minute workout. I can't fail this.

Workout plan:

1. Put on pajamas- done ✔️ 
2. Set a timer on 10 minutes
3. Get favorite kettlebells (one 8kg, 12kg)
4. Put on music or a YouTube video
5. Warm up for 60 seconds
6. Do literally anything. Any move. Any order.
7. Stretch for 60 seconds

I'll report back.... 

found somewhere on the internet

Well, let me say the smell of spicy black bean soup (homemade- yes I made it), didn't make a great backdrop to my training.

• no shoes
• no cares

25 minutes done. Easy. No sweat. Heart rate low, but I got it done.

Today is a hard day for me. I'm just letting it be a hard day.

I feel like I need room to breathe. Space to be myself. I'm struggling today to make sense of it all. 

10 Second Gym Commute + Simple Training

Well, I've mentioned a million (okay maybe just 3) times that with true clinical burnout I struggle to make decisions.

I love(d) exercise, and I in an effort to be consistent, I know that dreaming of a perfect workout plan- you know, the ones I used to do way back when I was fit and life made sense, is a waste of time.

A short, low buy-in, easy peasy lemon squeezey plan right in my living room/bedroom/office is the way to go.

I am ACTIVELY working to change what my plans are and the way that I approach training right now.

Shocker, but it all comes back to acceptance. 

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I dream of going back to the gym. The slow drive with music on sipping caffiene and feeling great... ahhh. Okay reality strikes and I can barely make it to the mailbox, so let me make my plan to walk 10 paces from the kitchen to the mat and go back OLD SCHOOL.

Back in the day, I used to have one jump rope, and one kettlebell and I was so fit and in shape. I felt great and my programming was innovative, fresh, and I was rarely (if ever) bored. 

I'm much heavier so jumping rope causes shin splints that burn like battery acid, so I am doing just 30 seconds at a time and resting a great deal- I have hope that I'll be back to it in a few months. Slow steady progress.

Today i'll do what I've been doing... keeping it so simple that it has to be easy.

Today's Home Gym Plan:

• Same tights (clean), tshirt, socks, tennis shoes laced up. 
• Playlist, YouTube videos of people working out in the gym (it's a mental thing).
• Water bottle + ice cubes
• Set big timer on 45 minutes (60 is a full goal)
• Timer set on 30 seconds. 
• alternate strength move with some cardio moves
• Stretch for 5 minutes after
• Maybe walk very slowly and watch Love Island or something else....maybe read?

I have to attend a webinar this morning, so my normal "get going early" plan will be shifted to early evening when I hate working out.

I'm trying to be more flexible... stop telling myself things like, "I have to do this, or I only exercise at this or that time".

I definitely have been living partly in a hell of my own making. I wanted things to be predictable because it made me feel safe. Made my central nervous system feel calm. 

I'll let you know how it goes. 

Wishing you luck as well. 

Book Club Pick: June

Can I call it a bookclub if we don't have meetings or chat in the comment section? 

Yes, Yes I can. 

I'm re-reading Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman. I read it a long time ago, and I really need a refresher in the foundational concepts of Positive Psychology. It was transformative then, and I know it will be now.

If you ever want to chat about anything in the book, just email me at QuinoaAndKettlebells@gmail.com 

So far, I'm remembering a great deal of the philosophy, but am working to create a short guide for how to practice it. THAT'S the magic.

If you're looking for something you can DO... check your local library ebook/audiobook selection and download it right to your tablet or order the book online.

I have a copy on my ereader and can just take it with me in my purse or caregiving bag when I go.

Hopefully I can get back into the habit of reading at night vs scrolling YouTube and binge watching reality tv show until my retinas burn. #goals

Wishing you well

I Actually CAN'T Do Everything

Yep. Burnout sucks, but true burnout means my ability to multi-task is severed. Forcing myself to push through only leads to eating snacks at night and feeling sorry for myself.

Every time I think I have a "simple" plan figured out, I realize I need to simplify it even more. I"m talking a turtle's pace. 

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The hardest part of it all recently has been admitting just how difficult the most basic and simple tasks seem to be. Let me name them:

1. Checking the mail everyday
2. Organizing/ tidying my space
3. Doing more than ONE basic or major tasks per day
4. Returning phone calls
5. Making important phone calls
6. Scheduling necessary appointments

The list goes on, but you get the point.

How is it that I am really figuring out that weight loss comes much later in this process. I have to calm down my mind and body. Restore faith in basic mindful living, and realize that no one else is coming to save or help with it.

This isn't to be pessimistic. Quite the opposite.

Acceptance is the breeding ground for better days ahead. 

Caregiving is mandatory. Perfectly doing it is not.

Exercise and eating well is mandatory for a healthy body and mind. Perfectly doing it is not.

I've realized I have to slow well down. Like WELL down. If I am going to be effective at any list of tasks, I have to stop planning 10 things in a day's time and plan one.

It feels like I am not getting anything done, but one per day is better than none per week because I've burned myself out much more quickly than the average person. 

So, it's Saturday morning. I have slept about 7 hours after only sleep 5 for the past two nights. 

I've made a bowl of oatmeal + flax + cauliflower + strawberries & a protein shake.

I've journaled, meditated, said a prayer, and did a few pages of reading on psychology.

My plan is to walk on my treadmill and I won't plan anything else until I can successfully do that. 

Things I need to accept:

1. It's hard for me to do more than one thing at a time
2. I need a lot of time in the morning to enter the day
3. I need better sleeping hygiene habits (goal for next week)
4. This is hard and it sucks and I feel alone- but I can and will survive it
5. No one is coming to save me
6. I get to choose how I go through the rest of the month, it doesn't have to just happen to me.
7. Something will always be better than nothing
8. Perfect is the enemy of done

Alright... if you're stuck... exhausted... burned out.... feeling lost... I FEEL you.

No one is coming to save your situation (maybe they are, but I"m talking to those in a similar position to me). 

So, just for today...

• drink a cup of water right now, 
• do 5 minutes of movement (set a timer), 
• clean one area or start a load of laundry, 
• take a deep breath.

We can do this. One hour a time today. 

June Calendar (Free Printable)

I love a calendar. A List. A plan. 

Here's the calendar I'm using for June.

Hope it helps :)

Download it here

June Challenge: Starting Slowly- My Plan (Diet and Exercise Plan)

I'd love to do 30 days of a plan, but I'm sick of failing so I am keeping it simple.

This June I have a small window of reprieve from daily caregiving tasks and graduate school work, and my house is a mess, my papers are all out of order, and I'm an all around out-of-sync mess.

The reason I am typing this out here (when writing in my $2 notebook is easier for me), is because I hope it inspires someone else to slowly add even one thing to help them manage their health and wellbeing while caregiving or stressed. 

This one month (or really 21 days) is meant to be a kickstart for me. Just a jumping off point to get started. 

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Simply by starting, I am 1/2 way there. I've spent the last few years trying to go back and live as my previous self. Just get going. Do what I used to do, the way I used to do it. Well, that doesn't work.

My central nervous system is FRIED and I can't maintain any of it. It lasts for 2 weeks then I burn out and can't do anything.

This time around I am going to start sooooooo slowly that I simply can't fail.

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Diet:

Long term vegan. In today's time it seems like leaving veganism is the answer for weight loss and as an ethical vegan, I won't lie and say that other people haven't made it seem like lean chicken breast is the answer to my soft, hormonally changing body. I will be eating a plant-based vegan diet for this challenge, but it's time I get rid of all the processed foods I continue to eat. 

Late night snacking and tv watching have become a comfort in a way that I didn't know would build a horrible set of habits.

I'm not a fan of doing cleanses, or anything when you are NOT already healthy as a means of weight loss, but I do need to limit what foods I will eat for this reset so that my tastebuds can stop being excited by every single treat I come across.

I've eaten entirely too much sugar, processed food, vegan cheese, desserts, etc. So this challenge is a way to return to whole plant foods and water.

I've been grocery shopping and spending $100s of dollars and stocking my fridge like the plague is coming and I won't be able to leave the house. It's beyond ridiculous. 

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Food and Meal Plan:

1. Beans. I need to eat them more. At my healthiest, they were 1/2 of my diet! 
2. Potatoes. Satiating. Satisfying. Cheap and delicious. Need I say more. 
3. Veggies. All kinds. I have a local farm pickup and will eat seasonal veggies mainly in the form of soups or air fryed.
4. Fava bean tofu. Expensive and I have to share the blocks with my daughter so about 1/2 a block (32 g protein)- 3 times per week.
5. Soy Tofu. I think I may hold soy this challenge. So many people chant the praises of soy (for good reason), but there is truth that soy does affect some people and I have been dealing with bloating and stomach issues more when I eat it. Maybe I could eat less at a time and see, but I will test it out and finish up my tempeh and tofu and then not buy more for this challenge. It's also very high and fat and I will be watching some fat as I go through.
6. Protein powder. I am on a mission to use up things I have in my house without running to buy anymore. I have some chocolate, vanilla, another flavor I don't really enjoy, but will make shakes once per day.

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Counting Calories

1. Not a fan, but will try it. I have been eating way too much, so it feels like a data collection method I can use to start getting on track. I used a TDEE calculator and because I will be cutting my strenuous cardio out for this challenge (leaving maybe one day or two days per week maximum).
2. I have the paid version of the Cronometer app, but when it expires I may try a simpler app like Lose It. I am not using all of the information on the Cronometer app honestly and it isn't aesthetically pleasing. Maybe I'll change my mind.

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Exercise

1. Home based workouts. My fantasy of returning to the gym like I used to has died for now. Just the thought of finding workout clothes that fit and I am comfortable in to go to the gym feels like a step too far for me right now. Rather than beating myself up about this, I'm embracing that I have a small home gym to use. 
2. I'm not listening to anyone who tells me, "People in the gym are focused on themselves and won't look at you or care". Well, I still won't go. I'm too self-conscious and that's enough of a reason. Period. 
3. Kettlebells, Flat facing dumbbells, Mat, Bands, Leg bands, Treadmill, Stationary bike, 18" step. 
   
4. Fitness streaming services. I have three, but won't really use them for this challenge. It can seem simple to just log in and press play, but in all honesty they push me wayyyy too hard. I can do most of them modified (with 60+ extra pounds on my body), but they always leave me so hungry. It feels defeating. Seems counterintuitive, but I am going to focus on strength training, walking slowly on the treadmill (2.5 mph), and biking LISS (low intensity steady state) for this 21 day challenge.

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Deep Rest, Relaxation, Emotional Self-Care

I don't know how to relax anymore. I don't know what it means to truly rest anymore. I have had to accept this. My brain is overstimulated and in a panic state due to caregiving most of the time. I am working on it, but for now I will just use guided meditations to bring rest and calm to my system.

I'm repeating, "I am safe" and taking 3 deep breaths all throughout the day as well.

As tempting as it is to add "4 bubble baths a week" to this self-care section, I will surely fail at that when life hits me or I run out of steam for the day at 4:15 pm and can barely make dinner and shower. Instead, I am building "Do Nothing" time blocks into the day.

1. Do Nothing for 5-20.
1. Stare out the window
2. Read a book
3. Doodle on paper or my iPad
4. Listen to a meditation or nature sounds
5. Writing

In Conclusion

This challenge (unlike challenges I did when I was fit and within a healthy body fat range) is meant to be a mental and physical kickstart. I've lost confidence in myself and I'd like it back.

I am eager to prove to myself that I have what it takes to succeed at this and to take care of myself the way I've taken care of everyone else.

Pushing myself isn't the way to go anymore. For at least this phase of my life, I need to be gentle and kind. This challenge would have been great as a video series, but my caregiving is a secret due to family members not sharing their condition with others and this isolation has been extremely hard to deal with- hence this blog.

I'm hurting and it's soooo difficult, I thought that creating this space could possibly be helpful to someone else. I don't need another "thing" to do, but if even one person finds motivation here, it's worth all the time and effort.

I will make a post each day talking about each one of the areas I wrote about above and if you don't know where to start, just follow along here. Anything is better than nothing.

We can do this. One deep breath at a time. 

Reality Check: I've Taken Care of Everyone But Myself

Things that seem simple for others, isn't so simple for me.

I haven't been able to pin point exactly why or how I haven't been able to properly care for myself and things that need to be done.

Burnout floats around my mind. I wanted the actual definition. Not the internet, pop culture definition, of burnout.

There is so much research on job burnout, but not nearly enough on life burning you out. Caregiving burnout. Existence burnout.

This isn't to be confused with depression. Please consult my list of mental health supports if you are struggling with clinical issues, 

Everyone says: Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. 

My first thought is, "Duh".  But, no one is telling you HOW.

This journey is helping me focus on how a person can do this after being burned out beyond belief, and for someone who doesn't have a partner, or family to support them. Idealistically, having a support system is vital, but I don't have that. Rather than lamenting that any longer, I am going to just focus on self-compassion and agency to make changes. 

Feels quite drastic mentally as I am planning how I will go about this, but I have to do something. I can not emerge from another month without making some progress internally, mentally, and physically towards my goals of being well.

As I am focusing on how to make June a great month for deep self-care, I realize just how much I haven't been taking care of myself. I am not beating myself up, just accepting it.

Onwards and upwards. 

You aren't alone.

Here's What I Could Never Admit: 65 Pounds Gained of Sadness

As a silent caregiver, I've often talked about how no one sees me, recognizes my pain, cares.

What I have come to realize is that I haven't been seeing myself. Recognizing my own pain. 

How can I focus on weight loss or wellness when I am not even really looking at my situation? I am not beating myself up, I"m just taking notice. 

I had to stop - journal- cry a bit and realize: This weight is really sadness, loneliness, and isolation.

This hurts more than realizing just how out of shape and how much weight I've gained. I sat still (something I'm working on doing more of) and just felt it all. Goodness, that hurt.

Here's What I Know:

1. 65 pounds gained in 4 years is no small feat to accomplish
2. Losing it will be beyond tough unless I make a holistic plan
3. Caregiving is horrendously difficult and yet there's nowhere you can go to say that
4. Sleep is as important as protein
5. Exercise is medicine for my mental health
6. If I don't start today now it will be another 4 years and another 65 pounds

Hard realities, but realities nonetheless.

Everyone wants to talk about weight loss (plant based or otherwise), but I want to talk about the mindset behind why some of us need to even lose weight or become healthy.

These things are hard to deal with. To face. If I look at them squarely on, I have to admit how alone I am, and how that came to be. There are layers upon layers of this stuff here and it hurts to look at.

I thought I could bypass it all and just make a nice weight loss plan and keep going with it. Guess what? That worked for all of 4 weeks and BAM.

Reality hit. Hospital appointments. Home caregiving. School from home. No sleep. 

Then came homemade brownies, lack of water, skipping supplements, late night tv binging shows I don't even like and more weight gain.

I'm sick of this cycle. This is new and specific to this perimenopause, caregiving, lonely phase of my life, but I can do something about it.

Enter June: One month experiment. I feel like I can really try this because while there isn't a break in medical appointments, there is a break in other responsibilities for just this month. 

I feel like I need a running start. Have you ever felt that way? Like if you just could get started things could cruise along? I 

Instead of looking out and seeing how no one calls or seems to care, I am taking all the locus of control and realizing what I need to do for myself. How I can be my own best friend through this and how I can extend self-compassion to myself AND cheer myself on.

I'll be posting all the truth of this process here in hopes that it helps even one person. It has taken me so long, so much effort to get to this starting place.

Literally it took me years. I realize now more than ever if someone is dealing with actual burnout- clinical levels of burnout- the start has to be sooooooo slowly. 

Please come back and read the journey and hopefully participate in or start one for yourself. This is a low key site so no worries, but I'm hoping someone can get started long before how long it took me to do it.

Rooting you on.