June Calendar (Free Printable)

I love a calendar. A List. A plan. 

Here's the calendar I'm using for June.

Hope it helps :)

Download it here

June Challenge: Starting Slowly- My Plan (Diet and Exercise Plan)

I'd love to do 30 days of a plan, but I'm sick of failing so I am keeping it simple.

This June I have a small window of reprieve from daily caregiving tasks and graduate school work, and my house is a mess, my papers are all out of order, and I'm an all around out-of-sync mess.

The reason I am typing this out here (when writing in my $2 notebook is easier for me), is because I hope it inspires someone else to slowly add even one thing to help them manage their health and wellbeing while caregiving or stressed. 

This one month (or really 21 days) is meant to be a kickstart for me. Just a jumping off point to get started. 

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Simply by starting, I am 1/2 way there. I've spent the last few years trying to go back and live as my previous self. Just get going. Do what I used to do, the way I used to do it. Well, that doesn't work.

My central nervous system is FRIED and I can't maintain any of it. It lasts for 2 weeks then I burn out and can't do anything.

This time around I am going to start sooooooo slowly that I simply can't fail.

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Diet:

Long term vegan. In today's time it seems like leaving veganism is the answer for weight loss and as an ethical vegan, I won't lie and say that other people haven't made it seem like lean chicken breast is the answer to my soft, hormonally changing body. I will be eating a plant-based vegan diet for this challenge, but it's time I get rid of all the processed foods I continue to eat. 

Late night snacking and tv watching have become a comfort in a way that I didn't know would build a horrible set of habits.

I'm not a fan of doing cleanses, or anything when you are NOT already healthy as a means of weight loss, but I do need to limit what foods I will eat for this reset so that my tastebuds can stop being excited by every single treat I come across.

I've eaten entirely too much sugar, processed food, vegan cheese, desserts, etc. So this challenge is a way to return to whole plant foods and water.

I've been grocery shopping and spending $100s of dollars and stocking my fridge like the plague is coming and I won't be able to leave the house. It's beyond ridiculous. 

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Food and Meal Plan:

1. Beans. I need to eat them more. At my healthiest, they were 1/2 of my diet! 
2. Potatoes. Satiating. Satisfying. Cheap and delicious. Need I say more. 
3. Veggies. All kinds. I have a local farm pickup and will eat seasonal veggies mainly in the form of soups or air fryed.
4. Fava bean tofu. Expensive and I have to share the blocks with my daughter so about 1/2 a block (32 g protein)- 3 times per week.
5. Soy Tofu. I think I may hold soy this challenge. So many people chant the praises of soy (for good reason), but there is truth that soy does affect some people and I have been dealing with bloating and stomach issues more when I eat it. Maybe I could eat less at a time and see, but I will test it out and finish up my tempeh and tofu and then not buy more for this challenge. It's also very high and fat and I will be watching some fat as I go through.
6. Protein powder. I am on a mission to use up things I have in my house without running to buy anymore. I have some chocolate, vanilla, another flavor I don't really enjoy, but will make shakes once per day.

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Counting Calories

1. Not a fan, but will try it. I have been eating way too much, so it feels like a data collection method I can use to start getting on track. I used a TDEE calculator and because I will be cutting my strenuous cardio out for this challenge (leaving maybe one day or two days per week maximum).
2. I have the paid version of the Cronometer app, but when it expires I may try a simpler app like Lose It. I am not using all of the information on the Cronometer app honestly and it isn't aesthetically pleasing. Maybe I'll change my mind.

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Exercise

1. Home based workouts. My fantasy of returning to the gym like I used to has died for now. Just the thought of finding workout clothes that fit and I am comfortable in to go to the gym feels like a step too far for me right now. Rather than beating myself up about this, I'm embracing that I have a small home gym to use. 
2. I'm not listening to anyone who tells me, "People in the gym are focused on themselves and won't look at you or care". Well, I still won't go. I'm too self-conscious and that's enough of a reason. Period. 
3. Kettlebells, Flat facing dumbbells, Mat, Bands, Leg bands, Treadmill, Stationary bike, 18" step. 
   
4. Fitness streaming services. I have three, but won't really use them for this challenge. It can seem simple to just log in and press play, but in all honesty they push me wayyyy too hard. I can do most of them modified (with 60+ extra pounds on my body), but they always leave me so hungry. It feels defeating. Seems counterintuitive, but I am going to focus on strength training, walking slowly on the treadmill (2.5 mph), and biking LISS (low intensity steady state) for this 21 day challenge.

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Deep Rest, Relaxation, Emotional Self-Care

I don't know how to relax anymore. I don't know what it means to truly rest anymore. I have had to accept this. My brain is overstimulated and in a panic state due to caregiving most of the time. I am working on it, but for now I will just use guided meditations to bring rest and calm to my system.

I'm repeating, "I am safe" and taking 3 deep breaths all throughout the day as well.

As tempting as it is to add "4 bubble baths a week" to this self-care section, I will surely fail at that when life hits me or I run out of steam for the day at 4:15 pm and can barely make dinner and shower. Instead, I am building "Do Nothing" time blocks into the day.

1. Do Nothing for 5-20.
1. Stare out the window
2. Read a book
3. Doodle on paper or my iPad
4. Listen to a meditation or nature sounds
5. Writing

In Conclusion

This challenge (unlike challenges I did when I was fit and within a healthy body fat range) is meant to be a mental and physical kickstart. I've lost confidence in myself and I'd like it back.

I am eager to prove to myself that I have what it takes to succeed at this and to take care of myself the way I've taken care of everyone else.

Pushing myself isn't the way to go anymore. For at least this phase of my life, I need to be gentle and kind. This challenge would have been great as a video series, but my caregiving is a secret due to family members not sharing their condition with others and this isolation has been extremely hard to deal with- hence this blog.

I'm hurting and it's soooo difficult, I thought that creating this space could possibly be helpful to someone else. I don't need another "thing" to do, but if even one person finds motivation here, it's worth all the time and effort.

I will make a post each day talking about each one of the areas I wrote about above and if you don't know where to start, just follow along here. Anything is better than nothing.

We can do this. One deep breath at a time. 

Reality Check: I've Taken Care of Everyone But Myself

Things that seem simple for others, isn't so simple for me.

I haven't been able to pin point exactly why or how I haven't been able to properly care for myself and things that need to be done.

Burnout floats around my mind. I wanted the actual definition. Not the internet, pop culture definition, of burnout.

There is so much research on job burnout, but not nearly enough on life burning you out. Caregiving burnout. Existence burnout.

This isn't to be confused with depression. Please consult my list of mental health supports if you are struggling with clinical issues, 

Everyone says: Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. 

My first thought is, "Duh".  But, no one is telling you HOW.

This journey is helping me focus on how a person can do this after being burned out beyond belief, and for someone who doesn't have a partner, or family to support them. Idealistically, having a support system is vital, but I don't have that. Rather than lamenting that any longer, I am going to just focus on self-compassion and agency to make changes. 

Feels quite drastic mentally as I am planning how I will go about this, but I have to do something. I can not emerge from another month without making some progress internally, mentally, and physically towards my goals of being well.

As I am focusing on how to make June a great month for deep self-care, I realize just how much I haven't been taking care of myself. I am not beating myself up, just accepting it.

Onwards and upwards. 

You aren't alone.

Here's What I Could Never Admit: 65 Pounds Gained of Sadness

As a silent caregiver, I've often talked about how no one sees me, recognizes my pain, cares.

What I have come to realize is that I haven't been seeing myself. Recognizing my own pain. 

How can I focus on weight loss or wellness when I am not even really looking at my situation? I am not beating myself up, I"m just taking notice. 

I had to stop - journal- cry a bit and realize: This weight is really sadness, loneliness, and isolation.

This hurts more than realizing just how out of shape and how much weight I've gained. I sat still (something I'm working on doing more of) and just felt it all. Goodness, that hurt.

Here's What I Know:

1. 65 pounds gained in 4 years is no small feat to accomplish
2. Losing it will be beyond tough unless I make a holistic plan
3. Caregiving is horrendously difficult and yet there's nowhere you can go to say that
4. Sleep is as important as protein
5. Exercise is medicine for my mental health
6. If I don't start today now it will be another 4 years and another 65 pounds

Hard realities, but realities nonetheless.

Everyone wants to talk about weight loss (plant based or otherwise), but I want to talk about the mindset behind why some of us need to even lose weight or become healthy.

These things are hard to deal with. To face. If I look at them squarely on, I have to admit how alone I am, and how that came to be. There are layers upon layers of this stuff here and it hurts to look at.

I thought I could bypass it all and just make a nice weight loss plan and keep going with it. Guess what? That worked for all of 4 weeks and BAM.

Reality hit. Hospital appointments. Home caregiving. School from home. No sleep. 

Then came homemade brownies, lack of water, skipping supplements, late night tv binging shows I don't even like and more weight gain.

I'm sick of this cycle. This is new and specific to this perimenopause, caregiving, lonely phase of my life, but I can do something about it.

Enter June: One month experiment. I feel like I can really try this because while there isn't a break in medical appointments, there is a break in other responsibilities for just this month. 

I feel like I need a running start. Have you ever felt that way? Like if you just could get started things could cruise along? I 

Instead of looking out and seeing how no one calls or seems to care, I am taking all the locus of control and realizing what I need to do for myself. How I can be my own best friend through this and how I can extend self-compassion to myself AND cheer myself on.

I'll be posting all the truth of this process here in hopes that it helps even one person. It has taken me so long, so much effort to get to this starting place.

Literally it took me years. I realize now more than ever if someone is dealing with actual burnout- clinical levels of burnout- the start has to be sooooooo slowly. 

Please come back and read the journey and hopefully participate in or start one for yourself. This is a low key site so no worries, but I'm hoping someone can get started long before how long it took me to do it.

Rooting you on. 

It Took Me 2 Years To Actually Start This Journey

Well, I am humbled yet again. :(

Caregiving is so hard. Mid-life hormone changes are so hard. Being alone with it all is even harder.

I thought that I could just make a "plan" and somehow magically the energy, mental capacity, and self-confidence would just show up.

Spoiler alert: it didn't.

Starting. Stopping. Starting. Crying. Anger. Grief. You name it. They swirled around me constantly.

I lost 25 pounds and gained it back. 

I wasn't yo-yo dieting. I was not sleeping, under hydrating, stressed to capacity and battling perfectionism.

I didn't post here on my OWN BLOG because I was embarrassed that I couldn't keep it together.

Yesterday I realized that the very reason I created this space is so that I could share the truth of what this kind of life is like- all my struggles, fears, goals... but instead I hid. I just sat around between all of my responsibilities, lonely feelings, and ruminated. 

I'm back.

I've made a true commitment to myself to show up if for nothing other than letting even one person know they aren't alone, and to have a diary of getting my life back together.

I deleted all of my other posts and I do regret that. This time I won't aim to make it seem like I am "all together". I am not. 

This is hard. Harder than I thought it'd be, and I am ready.

Ready for June to be the month I stop hiding from myself and put myself back on my to-do list. Even a tiny bit counts. 

I'm acknowledging what this season of my life means, and accepting just how much work it will take to get back on track.

Maybe I'll post 5 times a day to clear my head. Worrying about appearing like I had it figured out ( a product of perfectionism) is why I deleted the post and hid, but no more.

If you are struggling, you are NOT alone. 

Come here and find solidarity. 

We can do this. 

One Month Reset Check In: Fat Loss, Water, Sleep

 

stock photo: no I don't have a cat, but want one ;)

Now that a huge project I was working on is done, I can start posting daily!!!! 

Perhaps no one cares about that, but it will help to keep me most consistent. I want to be vulnerable in this space in hopes it can help even one person feel less alone. 

I am going to continue to work on this site and I want one page where I house all of my stats and figures (data nerd!), but until I make that page, let me say here that 4 weeks into this "program" I have made for myself, I am 15 pounds down and am starting to work on rest at night.

What's been working

It's helped to stop talking to people who are negative on the phone. This may seem unrelated, but research shows that how we feel determines how we are. While my life is so stressful and quite lonely, I have been trading the thought that I'm "chatting with a friend" as a cover for "I'm just working on feeling miserable". I stopped taking calls and I started listening to audiobooks, music, or just nothing. Those fleeting moments where I was "connecting" to someone else's bad days, and being a dumping ground for their drama, I used to transform into space and time for my healing. 

Accepted that this isn't about weight loss, it's about healing

I'm feeling broken inside. Disconnected from my soul's purpose. Afraid my loves one could die any day now. Alone. Lonely. Scared.

It's the reason my central nervous system is always fired up and the low level of stress that hums in the background of my mind and body has contributed so well to inflammation, gut issues, sleep issues and hormonal imbalances. 

Literally accepting the circumstances of my life has been one of the foundational moving things for me. 

Acceptance in Action...

If I want to exercise this morning by walking on the treadmill for 45 minutes while watching a podcast on vegan nutrition, but a medical appt I forgot about is suddenly remembered, the old me would literally internally berate myself for forgetting, tell myself, "It doesn't even make sense to try to take care of yourself", etc. It was all 100% negative and horrible.

Fast forward to now... still a work in progress, but I am reminding myself that, "This is just the way it is right now and you're doing your damn best". Something about that sentence just hankers down into my soul and I feel better. I'm not happy that I can't workout, but I will find 15 minutes at the end of the day to watch YouTube and walk.

Another example

A few years ago I was in the best shape of my life. 4 years and nearly 70 gained pounds later, perimenopause entered the chat alongside daily extreme stress.... um.... Dorothy we are not in Kansas anymore.

I spent so much time thinking I needed to train and live like my old self. My true self. When I stopped and looked at my body in the mirror I cried. I thought, "What have I let happen to myself?"

Either way.... I can accept that my body is beautiful because I neglected it so much... I neglected me so much.  But, if I'm lucky enough I can turn it all around. That means I can't do the workouts I once did. 

I am not comfortable going into the gym, neither do I have the time for the commute- and that's okay.

As I approach November I have serious plans to focus on feeling better. This alone will increase my ability to do the things I need to do to take care of myself. 

This isn't a matter of lack of knowledge for any of us. 

It's about something different. 

Something more internal and psychological. 

This is where I am doing my work. Internally. Setting a timer on 60 minutes and writing how I am feeling about my health, my body, my life, my soul. 

Join me. You are not alone. 

Officially Started: 40 Day Mini Challenge: Nervous System Reset

I deleted the pages on this blog because it was basically 7 different "day one" posts. Now I am back on day 9 of trying to get things back on track. I am committed and focused and taking everything super super slowly.

Sad as it may seem, I can't handle too many things right now. As a caregiver, mid-life returning student, a person living in the current crazy world, I really need things to be simple and easy. The more I work on myself, the more I realize I just want and need peace during this phase of my life.

I am going to use the next 40 days until the first week of November is over, as a true reset. A reset on all levels.

I was vegan for 23+ years and I have started to eat local animal products in moderation. (More in another post on way and I am not sure I will do this long term-though I might). I decided to start eating in a calorie deficit. I decided that walking is the new running, and told myself that I would focus on a few things.

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Forty Day Fall Focus

Theme: Wellness, Rest, Resetting and Weight Loss

1. Practicing sleep hygiene. I am taking this very slowly. I am just getting into bed by 10:15 and watching tv, youtube, or reading. Or all of the above.
2. Drink 80+ ounces of water per day. I have a cup that's 40 ounces. Times 2. BAM.
3. Calorie deficit. First two weeks I am just tracking it all down. 
4. Reading fiction. I always read nonfiction, and classics and literary fiction are my loves, but I have not been making the time/having the space to read.
5. Clean and declutter small sections of my house one at a time.

Goals

1. Weight loss. I do need to start shifting some of the weight I've gained while caregiving. I am still caregiving and it is taking everything out of me. I miss being fit. I miss loving the clothes I wore. 
2. Sleep better. Sleep at all. 
3. Lower my resting heart rate.
4. Exercise again without thinking it has to leave me wiped out and sweaty. Just start the challenge with movement and strength. 

The Sad Truth (but truth nonetheless)

I am sad that I've gained 60 + pounds in 4 years. I am sad to be a caregiver in secret. I am sad to be mid-life and feel I don't have my shit together because so much of my life is dedicated to caring for people. 

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The Hope and Promise

The truth is that no matter what I am grateful to have the opportunity to turn it around. I'm glad that I got my bloodwork and saw how terrible things had become and how being moderately sedentary (even after decades of fitness), and eating junk food (even with lots of good meals between) was rapidly deteriorating my health. 

I feel that I have time. THIS time is time. I can take slow, steady steps forward and that will be great. If I had only done that a year ago where would I be now? That's how I am thinking moving forward.

I am dedicated to those I care for to carve out a way to make this happen. For them. For me. Because they deserve it, because I deserve it. 

I can't do anything about the time that has gone by, the pounds that have been gained, but I can start now to move forward.

I am posting this here because I wish that I could find a blog or channel that wasn't trying to sell me something or brag and boast. Just a raw, honest take on what it is really like to be a forgotten caregiver in mid-life struggling to figure it all out while people's lives hang in the balance.

Please come back if you think you can find inspiration here. I would love it. 

We can do this. One hour at a time. 

Well, Caregiving Has Humbled Me Once Again: Starting Over

Maybe I should have named this blog starting over because that is all I seem to be doing.

Caregiving for my mom with cancer has beaten me down. Couple it with the fact that she has chosen not to tell anyone and we live isolated from friends or family, and you can see the cocktail of despair that I live in.

This journey isn't clean. Grief isn't clean, weight loss is HARD.

I haven't been overweight in decades so I forgot just how demoralizing it is to wake up in a heavy body unable to maintain your previous level of wellness. I type this with frustrated tears in the corner of my eyes.

In our attention economy-based mirrorball society, blogs and vlogs need to be flashy, catchy, etc. to garner attention.

Well, I don't need any attention here. I am resisting my perfectionist tendencies to use lots of pretty photos, highlighting, etc. This is the only space I own that is just mine. This started out as an online diary intent on helping someone else see that they are not alone. I have to remember my intention, and then it becomes easier to post.

In keeping my "online diary" theme, I will be posting multiple times a day. Almost like my own social media page (of which I currently use ZERO). My head is filled with a million thoughts, and I thought, "Hey, why not share it with the few people who read this blog?"

Here goes. Me. Starting over. Again. Sigh.

At least this means I haven't given up. And, isn't that a victory in and of itself? 

Onward.