morning tears, a later workout, walking is my friend

I had a huge setback today in life.

Denied a dream job after working so hard on my application and cover letter. 

Denied my request for graduate school funding. Midlife caregiving means I need a lower tuition rate, a longer time to pay, or I have to leave.... 

Spoiler alert: I left the school. Another school is coming up, but either way the disappointment hit hard.

I cried. Sobbed. 

Caregiving keeps me in a space of grief

I wondered why I was so exhausted after the news came. I sat at my kitchen table and just cried.

I cried for all the other goals I've failed at. The years toward productive employment. 

It's no wonder a simple decision like leaving a program hurts so much.

Afternoon workout

I don't like working out after 12 noon. I'm working on being more flexible because that's a foolish thing for me to practice.

I got on my treadmill (which isn't working well- jerking me around) for a slow one hour walk while watching a documentary.

Then I turned on a YouTube video and grabbed my kettlebells- my favorite things and strength trained for about 28 minutes.

It's a wonder I ever worried about all the streaming services for fitness I paid for and still pay for. Kettlebells and walking have the lowest buy in for me. I clearly like to make things harder for myself.

I'm working on self-compassion and I haven't said that to be hard on myself. It's a reminder that I don't have to push or force myself to press play and do some high intensity workout-unless I am really feeling like on some days.

I want to test out something for the next 19 days. I will post:

• my daily stats
• sleep
• weight +/-
• resting heart rate
• mood reflection

This 19 day challenge will include

• walking for 60 minutes per day (inside) and it can be broken up
• the exact same kettlebell strength program Monday thru Friday
• Saturday is a free fitness day (maybe one of my spin classes or kickboxing)
• Sunday full yoga class and house cleaning for movement
• tracking my food intake 
• 80 ounces + water

I have to make this stupid simple or I fear I won't suceed.

I have a healthy respect for my burnout now. It took me years and years  before this respect developed. I have pushed myself until I was dripping in sweat. What was supposed to be "getting on track", but it turned into a sort of punishment.

Now, I will see how I feel thinking of sleep, a steady and easy same workout that requires NO thought, and walking.

Exhausted today. I hope tomorrow's better.